Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
