My hair reeks of homosexuality.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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