god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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