totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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