I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
