I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
