You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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