i think my tv is drunk
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
