you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
