it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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