I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
