I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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