My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Mom said you looked used
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
