I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Text me some of your sweat
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
