Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
