is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
