he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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