My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
