We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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