You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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