Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
