He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
