she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
