My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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