The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
