barbara walters just said penis...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
