I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
