I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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