The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
