My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
