We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
