in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
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