i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
