the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
