my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize