Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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