You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my phone needs a breathalizer
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
