he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize