Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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