You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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