Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I believe in your delicious
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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