Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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