umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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