it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize