i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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