I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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