The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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