I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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