so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
This house was built for laser tag.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
