I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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