I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
organizing the empties. That sober.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
