Can i not drive my cunt home
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
