You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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