Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
