All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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