She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
