Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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